Relationships: The Grass Is Greener

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What is wrong with people in regards to relationships these days? Why do so many marriages end in divorce now when compared to decades past? What's up with all these "broken homes" and single parents?

One possible explanation for this is the moral decline in society. It is no longer considered "taboo" to have sexual relations outside of marriage. In fact, it has become not only the norm to engage in sex prior to, and outside of marriage, but the "in thing" to do. It is now a requirement to be fully accepted into many social circles.

Another explanation, somewhat related to the first, is how easy and socially acceptable the institution of divorce has become.

While these are both compelling arguments, I believe they fall short of fully encompassing the whys and where fors of the entire issue.

A lot of relationships end simply because people seem to think that if that person was right for them, everything should be perfect. There would be no arguments, no disagreements, certainly no serious fights.

From childhood, we are exposed to conflicting ideas when it comes to relationships and love. On one hand, we are exposed to casual sexuality as a normal state. At the same time, we are taught that love is all powerful and ever lasting. We are told that sex is an expression of love between two people, at the same time being told that sex has nothing to do with love at all. This results in massive confusion and an inability to cope with relationships.

Many of us grow up with this fairy tale idea that one day we will meet the person of our dreams, fall in love, and live happily ever after. To complicate this, many get the idea that "true love" is infallible.

For many people, the meaning of true love is a relationship in which there are never any problems, with a person who is a perfect match (basically).

The problem with the true love fairy tale is that it's just that, a fairy tale, complete bunk. There is no such thing as "true love". "The One"... does not exist. Too many people go about their lives and base their relationship decisions on the false ideal, whether consciously or subconsciously, that they will find their "one true love" and live happily ever after.

Through the process of dating, and the social acceptance of young people engaging in romantic and sexual relationships, we have learned as individuals to be picky. When we add to that the "true love" factor, we end up being disappointed on a constant basis, and unable to make any relationship work.

In casual dating, we stop seeing someone for tiny imperfections in personality, or physique. Maybe the way they laugh has gotten annoying after a few weeks. Or you just found out they have ugly feet. Maybe they don't like dogs very much, or whatever.

To a certain extant, it pays to be picky. If there is something about someone that you know you can't or won't deal with down the line, then there is no reason to pursue the relationship further. However, if there is a mutual attraction, and you enjoy each other's company, and have at least a few similar interests, then other minor differences can be either over looked , or a compromise can be made.

The problem is, we are taught through the stories that we hear or read, and the movies and TV programs that we watch, and through the process of dating itself, that we don't need to compromise; that there will always be someone better for us, somewhere.

Fact is, there will be.

The Grass is Greener

Everyone knows that relationships tend to get stale, and "boring" as time goes by. It may not be boring per se, but the excitement will fade. Hopefully it fades into comfort and a system of mutual love and support.

There is this belief that if one truly loves someone, then they won't ever be able to have deeper (than sexual) feelings towards someone else. This occlusion of reality can destroy a perfectly good relationship.

It causes the person who realizes they are developing feelings for someone outside of an existing relationship to end said relationship, in favor of pursuing something new. They question the validity of their feelings towards their partner. They begin to find fault in the relationship. They begin to find reasons to be unhappy, all the while finding things about the new person that seem better than the current.

Let's say one is in a long term relationship. Everything is great. You enjoy spending time together, the sex is good, you get along well, no major relationship issues, just normal minor arguments and disagreements. One day at work, you run into a new co worker. You feel an immediate attraction for this person. When you speak to them, it becomes obvious that the attraction is mutual. As the weeks go by, you find yourself engaged in conversation more and more often. The attraction grows, and you start to wonder...maybe this person is better than the one you're with.

More often then not, the existing relationship is ended in favor of the new one. Generally speaking, there's nothing inherently wrong with this outcome. However, if one were to examine the circumstances a bit more thoroughly, one might find fault in the thought processes that led to the final decision.

New relationships are fun and exciting. Whether they're based purely on sexual attraction, or on intellectual compatibility. When one is in a long term relationship, no matter how fulfilling it may be, it is only a matter of time and circumstance until one finds themselves feeling a deeper attraction to someone else.

When you find yourself in a situation like the one discussed above, it can be very hard to think clearly. A new love interest makes you feel good. It's nice to know you are still attractive to others. But, is it really worth throwing away what you have for a few weeks of exhilaration? After all, the new relationship won't be new forever, and you'll find yourself back in square one. You might be better off, you might be worse off. Statistically... more likely worse, but who knows?

What I do know is that whatever you do, there will always be someone else that comes along that makes you feel good, and makes you doubt what you have... until there isn't. A line must be drawn, or you may end up alone, with nothing, and no one.

If you already have something good, even if it's not new and exciting, then you're already way ahead of the game.

All we can reasonably ask for in love is to be happy. To be with someone we care about, who genuinely cares about us. Love is not a fairy tale. Relationships are not vacations. They are work. An equal partnership of mutual support, time, and effort. Problems will arise, some minor, some major. It's how we cope with these problems and learn to work through them that makes a relationship last.

No one ever said love was easy, but the payoff is well worth the investment.